IUI Again??

I started Clomid again today. Yay! I guess. We have an ultrasound on January 2nd and then if everything looks good I will trigger (hcg injection) that day and then have an IUI(Interuterine Insemination) on January 3rd. I am very hopeful that this will work. I have however talked to my family and we will be trying once more after this and if pregnancy doesnt occur we are going to take a break until our kids are out of school. Which is 2 more years. I just can no longer justify putting my kids through what they are going through and putting myself through this too. It is hurting all of us more and more. So send me baby dust that this month is our month!!!



Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~Albert Einstein

First IUI of 2009

Well AF showed up yesterday full force. I talked to my regular doctor about maybe trying a clomid and IUI cycle with her to save me money and until maybe I could find a new RE. Although I am very happy with the RE that I currently have, everything with them is VERY expensive. So I was hoping to find a more affordable RE. Meanwhile my regular OB/GYN has agreed to do a clomid cycle with me and an IUI. So far I am scheduled to do Clomid on days 3-7 and go in on January 2nd for a sonogram and probably IUI on the 3rd. Please think good thoughts for us!!


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ~Mark Twain

Negative

Well I tested negative and I already feel the effects of AF coming on strong. So I guess this month is a bust. So how do I feel?? I know a lot of people will ask me that question. I feel terrible. When I was a teenager I lost my father in a terrible accident and the grief from that was horrible to overcome, but I could never imagine having to go through those same 7 stages of grief for 3 days of every month for years.

1. Shock and Denial

When my test was negative, even though I say I was expecting it. You're never expecting to be a failure. So first there is Shock and Denial. Even in the back of your mind until that final day that AF arrives.

2. Pain and Guilt

As the Shock and Denial subside they are replaced in the forefront by Pain and Guilt. Did I take enough vitamins this month, did I exercise too much, was I not nice enough, patient enough, giving enough, What did I do to make this happen to me again???? With this comes the suffering of unbelievable pain, you can't hide it or run away from it, but you have to just feel it all the way through your heart, until it feels like you can actually feel it breaking.

3. Anger & Bargaining

Next is Anger. Usually Directed at a God, or sometimes as it is with me the anger is directed at yourself. How could you have been so stupid as to believe this would actually work out for you when nothing else has?? Then comes bargaining, please, I'll be a better mom, donate my time more, bake more, think negatively less. Anything if I can just please get pregnant.

4. "Depression, Reflection and Loneliness

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose and feel intense feelings of emptiness. You basically just ache for your baby and what could have been for you.

5. The upward turn

Then you turn back to your regular life and start getting back into your normal everyday activities, this usually happens at the very beginning of a new cycle.

6. Restructuring your life

This is when you plan for your new cycle and try to figure out what comes next. You think rationally about your life and about problems. This is the time when you tell yourself it will happen for you someday!! Just have faith!!

7. Acceptance & Hope

It is a new cycle and a new chance at a pregnancy. You put aside all those other feelings and focus on the hope for the new cycle.

It took me 2 years to go through the stages of grief when my father died. Now I go through them once a month every month and usually in the time period of 1-3 days. It leaves you emotionally drained. I for one will never let this beat me, no matter how hard it tries. I enjoy the days I have with my kids, adopted or not. I enjoy the rain, I enjoy the sunshine, I enjoy every hug I get from the little girl and little boy I babysit everyday and every I love you. So there infertility. You can beat me down 3 days out of the month, but the rest of that time is MINE!!! I will be happy and my life will be fulfilled, even with you here raining on parade constantly. I prefer it actually so RAIN!!!!!

The best of men That e'er wore earth about Him was a Sufferer, A soft, meek, patient, humble, tranquil spirit; The first true gentleman that ever breathed.~Thomas Dekker

2ww

You can never be completely prepared to what your 2 week wait (2ww) will be like. Will it be filled with hope?? Or will you spend the whole time analyzing every symptom?? Usually about a week into the 2ww I start to try to psych myself out. Preparing myself for the inevitable negative test. Still in the back of your mind there is that little glimmer of hope that it's possible, that pregnancy is POSSIBLE. Then your AF shows up and that hope is gone. The first time I was on Clomid it was this time of year and my 3rd month on clomid. I was very hopeful, and analyzed every symptom. Then on Christmas Day during Christmas dinner AF showed up. It was one of the most horrible experiences, being there surrounded by all your family and feeling yourself coming unglued inside. Opening presents and trying to smile and be happy and just wanting to die on the inside, then having to keep it together on the ride home because you dont want to ruin your kids' Christmas. This year I'm experiencing flashbacks from that year just because I am on Clomid yet again, and my AF is due on the 22nd. Right now I know nothing but I am preparing myself for the worst. I'll let you know what happens on the 22nd. Whether I test or AF shows her ugly face.

See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. ~Pope John XXIII

Ovulation

On Cycle Day 15 and Cycle Day 16, which was Sunday the 7th and Monday the 8th, I got a peak on my CBEFM. Yay!! I felt ovulation pain on Monday night. I'm so glad I finally ovulated because my stomach was getting really really sore and it was becoming hard to walk. Last night my CBEFM was back to a high reading. Proving ovulation. This is the first time I have really ovulated in a really long time. Probably since June or July. So yay for Clomid this time around!! Since my previous doctor Dr. B told me "Clomid never really worked for you anyway." Umm maybe because you never treated my PCOS?? Just a thought!!!


"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

1st Cycle on Clomid 2008

So we started our first cycle on Clomid while I am taking Metformin. The side effects have pretty much been the same as before, nasea all the time, hot flashes, horrible mood swings (sorry james and the rest of my family!), and headaches. I started having pain in my left ovary yesterday, and I had an incredibly full feeling. When I would breathe it would hurt. So I called my RE's office and they told me to go to my regular doctor today and have an ultrasound to make sure I was not overstimulated from the meds. So I had my appointment this morning. Everything looked good and in fact I didnt have any cysts, but I had a follicle on each ovary. The one on the right ovary was 18 and the one on the left was 20. These are the biggest follicles I have ever had on just clomid on cycle day 12. She said it looked like I would ovulate soon. Yay!!! I can not believe that it is actually working for me! So I am tracking ovulation with my clear blue easy fertility monitor (CBEFM). I'm very happy that it is all going so well on just clomid.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Do You Believe in Magic?

I had a psychic reading done by a "baby" psychic who I heard about on a message board I belong too called soulcysters. I have been waiting for her to get back to me for a couple weeks and finally she did my reading. I wanted to share it here. Maybe it will be true, maybe it won't, but it was a really interesting and fun thing to do. Check out her blog at http://www.iamcheri22.blogspot.com/

Here is her reading to me:

Thanks for being patient with me while I got back to your reading. Now in regards to your losses, I would ask if you have had a blood test and found out if your "nutrients" levels are low? I have no idea what that means, but its showing me that something is "low" when it comes to a blood test that they need to work on so that you can carry your pregnancies. Hopefully this is the right interpretation.
They are showing me a GIRL and they relate her to NOVEMBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in
They show someone who is very easy to please, someone who is a good friend to many and just so happy all of the time. Shes very social, and usually invited to a lot of birthday parties. I think that you will find that other kids just find her to be always really happy and just a lot of fun to be around.
I think that your going to find that shes always really tall for her age, shes someone who tends to wear clothes that fit her body and make her feel comfortable. They show her loving blue jeans, and shirts that are just a bit longer. Shes not one for long sleeves and will always prefer to wear ones that are more like tank tops or something with shorter sleeves. When longer ones, she will actually push them up a bit. Shes someone who does not like things that are tight around her wrist.
I think that you are going to find shes someone with a good level of confidence, someone who believes that she can. Shes always wanting to help where she can. If you have something for her to do, shes there. During her summer breaks they show her doing more of an "office' type job for a family member. So a company that they own or run, and she kinda helps during her vacation for extra cash.
They show her having her hair cut to just past her shoulders. Shes usually just tucking it back behind her ear. I see a heart shaped type face, and really pretty eyes.. more light in color.
When it comes to your daughter, they show her as someone who is very likable, someone who is the type to take charge of a situation, shes not easily distracted and seems to love stuffed animals. I see her loving makeup and really seems to love lipstick and lip gloss. shes always really girly and loves to carry around a purse
When it comes to career paths, they show her working in an office type setting
when ti comes to marriage i see her closer to 21, they will have two girls of their own.
let me know if you have any questions
Thanks
Cheri

I am sure you all have some thoughts!! But this is something I just wanted to share with you, not as a serious, "I know its going to happen" thing, but just as an interesting thing. Thanks guys.

So after talking to Cheri a little bit more we have concluded, which was my suspicion anyway, that the girl she is talking about is Tina. She described her exactly. So she is working on another reading for me. I will post that when she's done!!

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman

Abbreviations

A few people have mentioned to me that they are having trouble with my abbreviations. I'm sorry for that! In the beginning I was just writing this blog for myself, so abbreviations and spelling mistakes didn't really matter to me, but I have since developed a small following. Since most of you haven't been down the TTC (trying to conceive) road that I have you have not learned all the abbreviations and lingo. So I will try from now on to explain myself in better detail. I also am going to give you a couple of websites to help explain if I forget or even explain older posts, since I am not going to go back and correct them all. :) We are so happy to have you guys join us in this journey, where ever it may lead. My cystic fibrosis screening came back negative!

http://www.babysnark.com/glossary/glossary.asp

http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about50471.html

She's Here!!!

Dr. R. was right on the money I guess my af came today!!! Which means I start my clomid on Tuesday!! Yay!! I'm so excited. Just wanted to let all of you know that have been patiently awaiting my announcing it. It's weird to announce to people that your period is here. lol This whole TTC thing has really changed my life!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

So I am now on day 42 of my cycle with no AF in sight yet. I went in on Tuesday morning for all my blood work. Angela, Dr. R's nurse, called me back today with the results. I do NOT have diabetes, I am resistant to rubella, I am blood type A+, and my fasting glucose was 89. Which is all wonderful news!! My glucose could be a little lower so I am going to have to work on that and make sure I am sticking to a low GI diet. I am thrilled. I also am NOT pregnant, my progesterone was 12 meaning I did ovulate this cycle. So no Provera for me. I am just having to wait it out. They cysts probably made my cycle a little longer than it should be. Hopefully I will start sometime next week or so. The doctor is reviewing my results right now and if she has any recommendations she will call me with those too and I will update with them. All in all I am very happy for what I found out! So I am taking the wait and see approach to this. I also have a cystic fibrosis screening which she said she will call me about in a couple weeks and I have some tests to have run on days 2 or 3 of my cycle. When I have a cycle. According to Dr. R I should start by Monday. All in all very very optimistic about this. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and eats lots and lots of turkey!!!

To the lamp of love: may it burn brightest in the darkest hours and never flicker in the winds of trial. ~Author Unknown

Wishing, and Hoping

I am still waiting on my af to come. I filled my clomid prescription today and I called my RE to see if she would order provera for me. I am so impatient. I want it now!!!! I really just want to move on with everything. I really haven't been doing anything, but I now officially have lost 59 pounds!!! So proud of myself. I will post a before and after shot so you can see. I am much happier this time around then I was before. I have strep throat right now and it's killing me!! That's about all thats going on for me!

Before

After


Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius

Bored to Death

As you may have guessed I am bored out of my mind and waiting to start a new cycle, and I thought I would just talk a little to you all about infertility. I really just wanted to write something about what infertility has meant to me and what it has changed about me. Honestly 5 years or even 3 years ago I could not have seen myself in this place and so devestated. 3 years ago I had had one miscarriage and was told that it was normal, miscarriages are a normal part of life. My little girl or boy would have been 6 in August, there is nothing to me that is normal about any of this. I was always told that my irregular periods and pain were a result of weight, even when I was a normal weight, it was all brushed aside. I really didnt know any better, but I should NOT have let them do that to me, and now I know. I should have demanded testing or a 2nd opinion, but it's all too little too late now.

Now I am dealing with years of not getting treatment for a treatable disease that I have. Now I am finally getting back on track with everything, and yet still I struggle with the fact every day that I lost 4 babies. Who were all very real to me. I also struggle with the fact that I may never be a mother and my husband may never be a father. He assures me we will be ok, we will survive. Me, I'm not so sure. What do you do when you can't do the one thing that you want more than anything in life?? I could find something different to want I suppose, but I am genetically programmed to want a baby, to need a baby. Not being able to have that kills me. It kills me to see people that do have that, that do not appreciate it one bit.

Yes we have options, IVF, adoption, surrogacy, but those options cost money. LOTS of money. That we just dont have. So I'm left with this, doing what I can do while I can do it. I just have to be happy with that.

So here is my thought for this week. I dont want people who have kids to be less happy because I dont have them. Just remember that there are millions of other people out there like me, struggling to make it day to day to day. So if I decline to come to a birthday party for your 6 year old, it's not you. Or if I dont show up at your baby shower or to meet your new baby, it's not you. I just am doing what I can to preserve the one shred of emotional stablity I am clinging to. The person I was 5 years ago is NOT the person I am now. Infertility have affected me and invaded my life like a disease, but I will say that I am a better person for it. I am more kind and understanding. I am more patient and tolerant. I've always loved children, but I love them even more now then I did before. Knowing that I may never have my own children makes the time I get to spend with other peoples children that much more precious to me. All in all I know this sounds crazy, but I am glad this happened to me in a way, because I like the person I am now a whole lot better than the person I used to be.

Read about infertility. The more you know! Right!!

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infertility/DS00310


Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. ~Author Unknown

Clomid Again!

We are waiting to move on with our treatments now. We have not really made any decisions as of yet. I am planning to do just a couple of clomid cycles before we do the hybrid cycle because I need to get a lot of blood work and stuff done. We also need to figure out how we are going to finance all of it. We have to have a lot of visits and they are almost $300 a visit, plus the $1700 for the drugs. So while we figure it out I am just going to be taking clomid. I am on day 22 of my cycle now, but my RE doesnt think I will start a new cycle for at least another week. So we will see how everything progresses. Just thought I would update a little bit. I am so not looking forward to what clomid does to me, so I am sorry in advance for being emotional or just plain in a bad mood a lot of the time, because that's what clomid did for me before.

Thank You

Thanks so much guys for reading my blog and for leaving all of your comments and well wishes. I really started this blog to keep a record of my treatments, but it has become something more to me. It is a way to let everyone know about my appointments without repeating it 50 times, but it is also a way for me emotionally to let it all out. Kind of let go and let God. I know whatever he has planned for me is way better than my small little plans, because he can see the big picture. I trust in him that he will lead me where I need to be. So for right now I am just trusting in him to let things happen the way they will.

I want you to know how much it means to us that you have all taken an interest in our journey. So sit back and hold on. I have a feeling this is going to be one wild ride from here on out.

New Doctor, New Frontier

So today was the day, my appointment with a fertility expert. I was very impressed by her to say the least, she was personable, nice, funny and named one of Texas's Super Doctors, by Texas Monthly Magazine. I liked her instantly. She also was really surprised at the fact that my doctor's before had given me such inadequate and just plain lousy care, dating back to even when I was a teenager. So we laid all of our options out there on the table. Because I achieved pregnancy before using a combination of repronex and clomid, it is highly likely that I could achieve pregnancy again, my odds are better using that combo. The reason I miscarried before had to do with my PCOS being left untreated. She said now with it under control I could very well have a healthy pregnancy. So I have to do a list of things before my next cycle, which she says should happen in 2 to 3 weeks judging from my ultrasound today.

* I have to get a fasting blood glucose test.
* I have to get a cystic fibrosis test.
* James has to do a semen analysis and a thyroid test.
* I have to fill my prescription for clomid.

So my next cycle is going to be a hybrid cycle with a trigger shot and regular intercourse instead of IUI. She thinks that I really don't need the IUI. So my only concern now is coming up with the $$ to pay for the treatments and drugs. It costs roughly $3000/per cycle. It will be a lot easier for me if I can do my blood work and ultrasounds here and it is looking like it will work out that way for me.

On my ultrasound I had 4 good follicles, they were very small, she said I looked like a patient who had just had their period. The cyst was gone. I had some bleeding on Sunday, which was probably from the cyst rupture. I also have a very large cyst on my right Fallopian tube that she is going to look into. It should not hinder me from getting pregnant, but it does put out a little bit of concern. All in All it was very productive. She didn't push me into anything I didn't want to do and I really felt like I should do the injectables instead of just the Clomid only because my odds were better.

Optimism is the foundation of courage. ~Nicholas Murray Butler

Ovulation

So last night as Tina and I were getting ready to make a quick trip to Target I realized I was ovulating. I have really bad ovulation pains when I do. I was so happy because I was on day 13 of my cycle. I ovulated on Day 13 for 4 out of the last 7 months. The only times I didnt, was one month when I ovulated on day 11, my first month on femara, one month on day 9, my 3nd month on femara and my 4th month on femara when I didnt ovulate at all. I really think that my doctor was in too much of a hurry to give me the fertility drugs. I started them 2 weeks after starting the Metformin. She never really gave me a chance to ovulate consistantly on my own. So this month off the meds I am so glad that I ovulated on my own and on day 13!!!!! This is really really good news!!! Update on this!!! It was a cyst rupturing so I have not ovualted yet!!!


Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it. ~Jacques Prévert

RE

I have finally decided on a new doctor and made my initial appointment. I found a doctor on my insurance who was recommended by a friend of a friend. The practice deals with about 50% of it's patients having PCOS. I am very excited. She was named one of the best doctors in Texas. So I am hopeful that I won't get the same treatment I've gotten in the past. My appointment is October 27th, Tina's Birthday, at 9a.m. I picked that day because it's James's day off anyway, and he has to go with me. It is in the Woodlands, so not too far away!

On top of being excited I am also kind of nervous. I really dont know what to think about everything, I feel terribly overwhelmed. I also talked to a friend today about accupuncture. I have been wanting to do it for a really long time, so I may go ahead and start doing it also.

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. ~Charles M. Schulz

My body is a Wonderland

Today I had my appointment with Dr. J at 10:45 to do my work up. The first thing she wanted to do was an ultrasound to see about cysts. I had one 33mm cyst on my left ovary and no sign of the small pcos cysts at all. The 33mm one was pretty big though and was already starting to reabsorb, meaning it was larger than that before. Hence the pain I've been in. I am on day 3 of my cycle right now. I won't be doing any meds this cycle, I am taking the time off to find a RE and to also give the cyst time to go away. Dr. J said that I can do all my labs and ultrasounds there in their office so I won't have to commute to Houston on such a regular basis. Which would be a huge help to us. So right now I am just going over my list of names for the doctors that are covered by my insurance. Tomorrow I am going to call my insurance and nail down exactly what they cover and then I am going to call Resolve and get an idea of all the doctors on my list, I also am going to check on the doctor that Dr. J mentioned and see if they are an in-network provider for us or not. The one she wanted me to see was in the Woodlands which is a little closer than driving all the way into downtown Houston. So that's about it for now. I will update this more when I know more about what I have decided on and about what our coverage is.

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. ~Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland

Just Relax!!!

I thought I would take the time to write a blog and address the issue of Stress and Infertility, because one of the most common things I have heard in our years of TTC is "Relax, you're trying to hard." Really?? Trying too hard?? How exactly do you try too hard?? Is taking ovulation inducing drugs, trying too hard, when you don't ovulate?? Or is IUI trying to hard?? Or what about the 3 years before you seek medical help that you have unprotected sex and never get pregnant, were you trying to hard even then, before you were even trying?? I wonder about that. I know that people mean well but telling someone to relax doesn't really make them want to relax, It makes you upset because they can never understand your struggle and because you already feel inadequate and it justifies your feelings even more that something is wrong with you. Or how about the ones that do understand your struggle and they still say that?? Are others getting pregnant because they are relaxing or is it really just the law of averages?? Everything averages out in the end. If you never get pregnant will it always be because you tried too hard?? I never really thought you could try too hard for anything, for love, for family, for friends or for faith. Is there something to this Relax and it will happen, build it and they will come??

Discovery Health says:

Can stress cause infertility?
In rare cases, extreme stress can interfere with normal ovulation in women and may reduce sperm production in men. However, while it's possible for stress to cause infertility, it's far more common for infertility to cause stress. According to the ASRM, "infertility can be a major crisis because the important life goal of parenthood is threatened." For couples who aren't immediately successful in their efforts to conceive, stress-reduction techniques can help keep this anxiety in check.

I have tons more quotes from articles from places like the APA and other organizations, but who I am kidding no one wants to read a bunch of quotes from medical journals and websites. Not to mention the amount of false information on the Internet today that can debunk any real credible sources I come up with. So here we are back where we started. I think the main important thing to say is I know you're well meaning and I know you may not understand where I have been or where I am going. I honestly thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts for us. If you feel that need to contact me and let me know how you feel Please do!! I love to hear from people and know that they are reading my blog. The main reason I started this is because when I first started TTC there was not much information on the computer from real people that had been through it. I want to have a record of every procedure and everything I went through, for all those other people struggling, how ever our struggle may end.

I would like to add some things you should never say to someone who is TTC, you may not realize it but your well meaning comments can cause a lot of pain for someone who feels worthless or like they can't do something that they want more than anything.

1. Do not tell them they are young and have a lot of child bearing years left, so they shouldn't worry about it.
2. Do not tell them that they should just wait and enjoy the childless time they have.
3. Do not tell them to relax or to take a vacation and then it will happen.
4. Do not tell them that if it's meant to be, it will happen.
5. Don't minimize the Problem.
6. Don't say "There are Worse Things That Could Happen or there are worse things you could be going through."
7. Don't Say that Maybe they aren't meant to be parents.
8. Don't offer Unsolicited Opinions about your feelings on IVF.
9. Don't complain about your pregnancy.
10. Don't treat them like they are ignorant.
11. Don't Push Adoption.

What's the most important thing you can do for your infertile friend??
Support them, let them know you're there for them and love them.

As for me, I am still having pain from cysts and started bleeding today. My doctor is going to see me on Monday, and James is going with me. We are going to decide whether or not to move on to an RE or not. I pretty much have decided we are going to, but it wont be for awhile, since it's not covered by insurance I have to wait until we have a little extra money to afford it. We will be seeing one in Houston which isn't so bad since it's only an hour away. So here we are. So leave me comments let me know what you think, even if you think I'm a ranting crazy person. Which I can admit sometimes I am!! Hormones! What else can I say??


Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown

New Developments

I am on day 15 of my cycle with no sign of impending ovulation. I am however having a lot of pain in my left ovary and a feeling of fullness. My monitor has not even gotten a high yet. Which is not good. Especially since for 5 months I ovulated on days 11-13 like clockwork. So I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday for a full exam and ultrasound. The nurse thinks I possibly could be hyperstimulated by the medication, even though that is rare with the medication I am on it can happen. Meaning I could have a few large cysts, considering my left ovary pain. So I will have my progesterone tested then and we will discuss what is going on. I am also going to discuss with her my next step or moving on to an RE. It will still be awhile before I move on to an RE, just because I need to research the ones that my insurance covers some of. Meaning my insurance doesnt really cover them that much. They will cover my blood work and maybe my ultrasounds. That's about it.

One More Time, For the Cheap Seats

Well a lot of things have changed lately and I guess a lot more things will be changing in the months to come. I haven't typed a new blog in awhile, because honestly I really haven't had much to say. At least must to say that was nice or coherent to anyone. I have just been trying to make sense of it all, everything that has happened and I guess everything that will happen.

Where did it all go wrong?? Is it because my mom was a drug addict and an alcoholic?? Is it because I was so spoiled and always wanted to get my way?? Is it because I didn't wait until I got married to have sex?? Is it because I dont go to church enough or give enough money to charity?? Why does God hate me?? These are the thoughts that rush through your head when you are in the position I am in. The position of wanting something with all your heart and soul that it seems like everyone else has and that you can't seem to attain. Your body has turned against you and doesnt work the way it should or do what it is supposed to. Your heart is breaking. These are the questions that you ask yourself out of desperation. What can I do better?? How can I be a better person?? Maybe I'm not kind enough, compassionate enough or loving enough to be a mom. Then you remember your mom was none of those things and yet she still had you. It doesnt seem fair, but what in life is fair??

Last month my progesterone came back at a very low 6.9. Meaning I may have ovulated but not a good egg. Great! What makes it better is at 8 dpo I got a positive pregnancy test and was elated only to find out the test was wrong. I had to wait an entire 24 hours thinking I was pregnant to have someone call me and say "Oops sorry it's a mistake, maybe next month." My doctor decides for me to do one more month of Femara. I feel like I'm wasting my time. One more month....It's just one more month Courtney. NO it's been 2 years of one more month and one more month. Sometimes it is all I can do to just hold it together for ONE MORE FUCKING MONTH!!!

So this month I am taking Femara again, I have also started the search for an Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Houston. I have an appointment on the 23rd with Dr. J and then I am going to discuss with her my moving on. I am on day 14 of my cycle and I have not ovulated or even shown high on my monitor, this is the same thing that happened last month. So I am thinking this month is going to the same as the last. Disappointing. Sorry I have not sunshine and rainbows to talk about today, I just am really feeling beaten down by all this. Not to mention that I just dont even feel like I know my own body. My joints ache so bad from the Femara it is sometimes hard to walk. I would endure all that for a baby, but for nothing? I dont know how much long I can do this.

You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

End of an Era!

Well my three months on Femara is up this month. I am on day 23 of my cycle and I have no idea when I ovluated or if I'm pregnant, but I doubt it. I didn't know that I would feel this way when my three months were up. I thought I would be excited to move on to something else, but I find that I am even more paralyzed than ever. I honestly just want to stop TTC. I have no support, I feel like everyone is abandoning me because they are tired of hearing about it. Which I totally understand. I feel bad that I can't give people especially James that happy ending that they want. To tie my story up in a neat little bow. I can't do it physically or mentally. I am just done with all of it. At the end of the month when I have to decide to do IUI or not, I honestly dont know what I will decide. I feel like such a failure at the one thing in life I really wanted to be good at. And I also feel like I shouldn't feel bad about it. Well I do feel bad about it, Terrible. I feel this aching pain that I never knew existed. I want so much for someone to make this all alright for me, but I know I have to make it alright for myself. Right now I just dont think I can. So I'm mad as hell and hurt and broken and that's how I want to be today. Maybe not forever, but Let me have today please. To ache for the baby I'll never have, and the life that is going to be so drastically different than the one in my dreams.

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. ~Mick Jagger

Month #2

This is my second month on Femara and I had my day 21 progesterone yesterday. It was 17.88 again, weird. So for two months in a row I have definatly ovulated and it's been the same number. How weird is that?? Yesterday morning I had a nose bleed, but the nurse says my nose was just dry and its not a side effect of any medication. I am super excited about that fact. My progesterone being the same doesnt really indicate pregnancy so one more month on Femara and then maybe on to IUI. If we can afford it. Fingers crossed!

Over Again

Well AF is here today! So I start over at day 1. Dont know how I feel about it right now. I'll let you know.

Progesterone

I had a day 21 progesterone test and my number was 17.88. Meaning I did ovulate. Not really high enough to indicate pregnancy, but progesterone is inconclusive in determining pregnancy. I am very excited about the posibilities. I am on day 28 of my cycle today. Meaning af should be here in a few days. So we'll know what is happening then!!

A wise person once said, "It will all work out in the end, if it's not worked out it's not the end."

Flippin Out

So I totally flipped out last night over a laundry basket. Femara has not been as bad as Clomid but I definatly notice it. The whole time I was thinking "what the hell is wrong with me???" I'm sure my friends and family notice and wonder the same damn thing. I'm going to do a blood test today and see about my ovulation! Wish me luck.

Dreams do come true, sometimes nightmares do too.

Update

Well I am on day 22 of my cycle and no sign of ovulation yet?? I took the Femara this month. I'm really confused so I think I will call my doctor tomorrow and see what could be up. I feel really moody from the Femara, but nothing like I was with clomid. The only thing I can think is that maybe I missed my ovulation?? Like it happened before day 10, which is the day I start to check. It's the first day my monitor will let me test. I still did an Answer ovulation stick on day 9 to be sure. I have seen no surge. Nada. I hope I didnt miss my window. I have had a kidney stone this past weekend and I had a bladder infection from it, but it seems to have gone away. I dont understand why charting and everything is so hard to do?? I just wish I could get knocked up the old fashion way. Oh well!!!

Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success. Bo Bennett

A year later

Af showed up today on June 30th, 2008. So it is on to my first medicated cycle in a year. I am anticipating it with a mix of emotions; fear and excitement being two of them. I am taking the drug Femara on cycle days 3-7, which will be July 2-6. So I will finish it right before we leave for Jamaica. I will keep this updated as to any and all side effects that I have from this medication. Although it is nothing like clomid, and presents with very few side effects usually. I also have to add this is my 4th month in a row to have AF. Which is unheard of for me. I also am not having very bad cramps at all anymore. I cramp the day before af and then nothing or very little after that. Which is a turn around from the terrible cramps I used to have when AF came.

If they're singing about heartbreak, they've lived it. Paula Abdul

So Slow

I am 5 dpo or days past ovulation and on day 23 of my cycle. It is going so so slowly. I still have 10 days until I can take a test or start my af. Great. So I am just waiting and waiting and waiting. It is really unnerving and frustrating.

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. John Quincy Adams

Month 5,382,402

So this is our 5 millionth month of trying to concieve or at least that is what it feels like. This is my last month of unmedicated trying. I ovulated finally on day 18, which is weird because my cycles were shortening and then this one is perfect. Maybe that means its meant to be, but I really dont know and dont want to get my hopes up, or anyone elses. So I am now offically in the 2 week wait. I also got a peak on my monitor today and dark lines again so I guess I really really ovulated!!! This is totally new territory for me, even when I was doing clomid and injectibles this did not happen for me!!! Sometimes my AF would not even come at the end of a cycle and I would have to take Provera to start it, so even having an AF for three months in a row is a step in the right direction for us. It is so exciting to us. So please with us luck this cycle, this could be IT for us.


Dreams are the touchstones of our character. Henry David Thoreau

OH Baby Baby!!!

So I have started taking the Meformin, but I have had a horrible two weeks. After getting over bronchitis I started passing a kidney stone. I was hurting for awhile before I decided to go to Urgent care. I was there a little while when they decided to send me to the ER so that they could do a CT Scan. They found out I had a stone that was too big to pass on its own. So i was scheduled for surgery on Wednesday, 05/21/08. Surgery went well and I am recovering nicely. I feel much better, just very sore.

So with all that is going on I have barely noticed the side effects of the Metformin. I am hoping to start trying soon. I am on day 17 of my cycle so I pretty much think that my window for ovulation has passed. I guess we will just hope for a better cycle next cycle.

I have been thinking about all my missed babies a lot lately. I can't wait to have my angel to hold in my arms. I miss them dealy even though I never really knew them. 5 years and there might be an end in sight. A light at the end of the tunnel.

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit. Emmanuel Teney

A New Old Friend

So after years of irregular AF. I have only started AF once on my own three times, every other time I have had to take Provera. I started on my own yesterday!! I have not started taking the Metformin yet, because I am taking steroids and antibiotics for my bronchitis. I am so very very happy. I guess we are back to TTC again. Feels good to be back.

Yay Me!!!

I went to the doctor today to get a breathing treatment for my asthma. In the past two weeks I have lost 21 pounds!!! Yay me! I'm so happy. I have been doing weight watchers and slim fast. When I dont have time to count points I just drink a shake and that is 4 points. I've also been walking and doing a workout dvd. I am so very very happy. When I start Metformin hopefully that will help me lose a whole lot more. Tomorrow I'm going to the Dietitian at the BVW Clinic, & I will start the special diet for PCOS. I am thinking it will be kind of like the Diabetic Diet. Wish me luck!!!

If you want to see the rainbow, you have to endure the rain.

New Developments

Well my new doctor's office just called and guess what!!! I have PCOS!!! OMG!! Years of being told I dont have it and yep I do. They got the results of my blood test and my blood sugar and cholesterol are good, but my insulin was really high. So they are putting me on Glucophage for a month then if I tolerate that pretty well I will start the Femara in a month. This is the biggest freaking relief of my entire life. My other doctor was treating me for the wrong stuff. I should have never ever been given clomid. now I get a chance to set it right!!! I am so so happy. like crying happy. I may actually get my baby!!! I had given up hope completely! Thank you Misty for not letting me give up!

I am completely reeling from this. I have been overweight my entire life and always had trouble with my periods no matter what weight I was. I always thought it was something that was my fault and now I find out it's not all my fault! I have something that causes it. The fact that my previous doctor didnt even try to diagnose it or give me medicene for it is just disgusting to me. I can not believe that someone could be that hateful to another person that they would think that not telling them they have PCOS would make them do what they want. Plus the thousands we wasted on fertility treatments. omg My baby could be a reality. wow

Faith is a passionate intuition. William Wordsworth

Set Backs

So even though I wrote down the appointment date and time right after I made it last time, somehow we mixed it up somehow. This is the 3rd time this had happened to me with this new doctor. The first time I caught her making the appointment mistake, the next I caught it when they called to remind me, this time I totally missed it. So I had to reschedule my appointment for another day. May 15th at 11 am. We will see how that goes. I am glad to have the extra time. I am trying really hard to be more healthy. Tina and I are jogging/walking/running every night almost. I am also trying to eat fewer calories. So far I feel better. I think most of the feeling better is from giving up fast food though. Tina and I made a pact and gave up fast food and I really have never felt better. So we will see what the doctor says at my appointment. If I am healthy then I will probably start the Femara this time, if not then I will wait until the end of summer.

Hope, deceiving as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of our lives by an agreeable route. Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Try Again

The weather is so very pretty. I love spring and all the beautiful flowers. It seems like it was a really long winter. I went this morning and had my blood drawn for my blood tests. I made an appointment for in two weeks hoping my results will be ready and we can talk about them then. So April 24th at 9:45. This time last year I was doing injections and getting ready for my second IUI. I was so hopeful. I think now I am just numb. I had come to terms with never having a baby and the possiblility of having one at this point is terrifying. If you ever have that dream where you can see and hear everything that is going on but you can not move to do anything. Thats how this feels, I feel so much in my heart that it's almost bursting open. I want so badly to have a baby and to be able to give that to my husband but I feel paralyzed. I just can't bring myself to take the pills and go through all that again. I know the sacrafice is worth the end result, but it's the sacraficing that hurts & how much you have to give up of yourself along the way.

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it. Charles M. Schulz

Blood Work

So, deep breath, I scheduled my blood work for Thursday at 9:30. When we get the results from that we will go from there. James is still gone with work and I miss him tons. We haven't really gotten a chance to talk about the new drugs. I still haven't decided what I want to do, but I guess I will know more after the blood work comes back.

Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. Samuel Butler

What's happened since...

I found out in June that I was actually pregnant, but soon after I realized I was I started to miscarry the pregnancy. So that, our 3rd pregnancy ended in miscarriage. It was so devestating and heartbreaking. Something that I wanted for so long just kept slipping right through my fingers and I could never grasp it fully. We decided then to take a break from TTC. That was almost 9 months ago. I had an appointment with a new fertility doctor last week and she wanted to try some new treatments and medications. I just dont know what we are going to do yet. I dont know if I can go through this again. The euphoria of starting a new treatment, the standardization of your most private moments, the appointments, the nervous waiting the 2ww to find out if you are pregnant and the agony of finding out you're not, yet again. It's all just so overwhelming to think about, and to think that you have to chose to go through that is even harder. We really really want a baby more than anything, but to do it at the expense of yourself and your family is a hard decision to make. I wish it would happen naturally like it does for everyone else in the free world.
So whether or not to take the new drugs and start the process over again is the question. Do we do it?? or do was just give up?? I guess my heart is just so broken it's hard to see which way to go. I would never want to give up, but one's heart can only take so much before its broken forever.


In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. Blaise Pascal