The road to our baby

Well we have been putting away money for IVF, when we really talked about it, we both decided that we really would like to adopt. So we are looking at adopting an infant domestically. I know there is a lot of stiff competition, but we are hopeful. I just really feel that God is leading us in this direction. Before when we were saving for IVF nothing was really going right for us, but now with adoption it seems that tons of doors are opening for us, which makes me feel like it really is the right thing for us. Prayers and any insite is welcome. I know that if we are patient God will bring us to the right baby at the right time. :) Thank you everyone for all your support through everything. We have so much love to give and would be very blessed by anyone who decided to give us their baby to raise as our own. I know that it is a huge sacrafice and one that we won't ever forget.

New

I'm not going to be posting here at all for a while. Thanks guys for being there for us. We have some other things to deal with.

Reality; It's here!!

I haven't posted in awhile but I wanted everyone to know we are still here and still not pregnant of course. As of right now we are taking a break, an indefinite one. After over a year on clomid and other drugs I just want a break. I ovulated normally this month without the drugs and I had a pretty large follicle. I had a lot of pain after ovulation that felt like ovulation pain, but lasted for a few days, I went to the doctor and had a sonogram and everything looked fine. She could not determine the cause for my pain but about 3 days later it was gone. It was very very painful though. I know people keep telling me, maybe you'll take a break and it will happen for you or I know it is meant to happen for you, but the truth is there are thousands of infertile couples who remain childless. Since we can't afford the 21, 000 it would cost to do IVF right now and we cant afford the $50, 000 it costs to adopt an infant. We are stuck. I am absolutely devestated that it has not worked out the way I wanted it to and heartbroken, but I know I will get over most of that as time goes by. We still are going to try to save money to do IVF, but that is really probably 5 years away. i know everyone means well by saying it will happen for us, but realistically I just can't hold out for that. We can't constatly live our lives wondering "what if". There is a difference in keeping a positive attitude and setting yourself up for disappointment. I am done doing that. I seriously and honestly want children of our own biologically more than anything, but not at the expense of the children we already have or at the expense of our marriage & I am not going to live in a cardboard box to achieve my dreams. So that is what's going on with us. I'm sorry if this sounds really pessimestic, I waited a long time to write it because I didnt want it to come off that way. We just all need to be realistic now.

Look Ahead

Just wanted to update that AF came today. So no pregnancy. We were wanting to do another IUI, but I think we may wait to do it with the RE and save up a little first. I am of course upset, but I am handling it a lot better. So 2 more IUI's after this and then we stop. I know for sure I am going to take this cycle off and rest, I deserve it!! Thank you all so much for your thoughts and wishes for us, it means the world. We love all of you. I have never felt as much love as I did this cycle and that means a lot. So for now I am just taking it one day at a time. I am using the weekend to breakdown and by Monday there can be no more tears and I have to look ahead. I hope everyone has a wonderful week!!

I never knew

The are so many things I never knew about TTC before we were actively trying. I actually thought that once we decided to get pregnant that it would just happen within a few months and I had NO idea that it would take YEARS.

- I never knew that getting pregnant wasn't our decision, it is God's decision.
- I never knew that you only had about a 12 hour window every month to get pregnant.
- I never knew that it takes about 5,000 things going RIGHT for conception to happen.
- I never knew that I would miss babies I never even had.
- I never knew that I would be so jealous of women I didn't even know who got pregnant.
- I never noticed there were so many unfit mothers out there.
- I never knew that the look on my husband's face every month when my AF comes, would break my heart completely and scar my soul.
- I never knew I had PCOS, or that I was overweight for a REASON.
- I never knew that I would buy things for a baby I didnt even have or that I would give all those things away after my 4th miscarriage.
- I never knew that when I see that first little bit of AF every month that I would break down, again and again.
- I never knew that a babies face would be so beautiful to me.
- I never knew that when a pregnant friend who I love wanted me to feel their baby kick I would be frozen in HORROR.
- I never knew that so many people would see my vagina to the point that I really wouldnt care anymore or have time to be embarrassed.
- I never knew that my married sex life would turn into something that is timed and dated and that I have to talk to my doctor about every detail of it.
- I never knew that I would have to get up every morning at 7 a.m. just to take my temperature.
- I never knew that I would examine every sign and wonder if it was a sign of pregnancy.
- I never knew how bad I would feel for not being able to do something that it feels like everyone in the world can do but me.
- I never knew I would meet such great women along the way who have shown me what true friendship is, some who I've never met in person.
- I never knew I would cry and feel so overwhelmed for someone else's BFP!
- I never knew I would have to give myself shots, that hurt.
- I never knew the monster that fertility meds would turn me into.
- I never knew anything about cervix's, uterus's, fallopian tubes, follicles, or artificial insemination.
- I never knew that I would skip out on people's baby showers and birthday's because it is too painful.
- I never knew that we would become that "infertile" couple that people whisper about and say "They cant have kids."
- I never knew that having a baby could cost so much $$$$$$$$.
- I never knew that "just relaxing" is all I would need to get pregnant. (sarcastic)
- I never knew the totally different person I would become because of infertility, or that I would like this person so much more.
- I never knew that all of this would bring me so much closer to the Lord and so much stronger in my faith.

I know that no matter how much I WANT something out of life God is only going to give me what I NEED. When I first started writing this blog there were not many resources out there on the internet or beyond for people like me to turn to. I was lucky to find one small group of women on a babycenter board and a best friend in real life who knew the pain of infertility. I started writing this for myself to let me express my feelings but to also let other people know they are not alone. Whatever the crisis is in your life, I hope we can all find comfort in God, in our Family and in our unbelievable friends.

God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. ~Author Unknown

IUI #1 in 2009

We got to the doctor's office a little bit before 9:30 a.m. for our insemination. The nurse wasnt there yet so I had a chance to use the restroom and collect my thoughts. When we got into the office we were able to watch tv and read for 30 minutes. When the sample was ready, we went back to the room and got ready to have our insemination. I meditated for awhile and thought good thoughts and tried to calm myself. The proceduce took about 5 mins, and was very easy this time. I had some cramping from the sperm entering my uterus without the cervical fluid. I continued to cramp most of the day and layed down for most of it. Today I have spent laying down mostly too. :) I am very happy to be in the 2ww now. I should know something by the Jan. 17th.

Good News!

I had my sonogram this morning and I had one follicle on my right ovary that was 20mm. Yay! She also measured the cyst on my fallopian tube and it had shrunk to 26mm. My lining in my uterus was thick, I'm not sure how thick. I am very nervous about it this go around. I had my hcg shot in the leg. Tomorrow morning at 9:30 a.m. is our insemination. So think good thoughts, send baby dust and good vibes.