Well my three months on Femara is up this month. I am on day 23 of my cycle and I have no idea when I ovluated or if I'm pregnant, but I doubt it. I didn't know that I would feel this way when my three months were up. I thought I would be excited to move on to something else, but I find that I am even more paralyzed than ever. I honestly just want to stop TTC. I have no support, I feel like everyone is abandoning me because they are tired of hearing about it. Which I totally understand. I feel bad that I can't give people especially James that happy ending that they want. To tie my story up in a neat little bow. I can't do it physically or mentally. I am just done with all of it. At the end of the month when I have to decide to do IUI or not, I honestly dont know what I will decide. I feel like such a failure at the one thing in life I really wanted to be good at. And I also feel like I shouldn't feel bad about it. Well I do feel bad about it, Terrible. I feel this aching pain that I never knew existed. I want so much for someone to make this all alright for me, but I know I have to make it alright for myself. Right now I just dont think I can. So I'm mad as hell and hurt and broken and that's how I want to be today. Maybe not forever, but Let me have today please. To ache for the baby I'll never have, and the life that is going to be so drastically different than the one in my dreams.
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. ~Mick Jagger
