IUI Again??

I started Clomid again today. Yay! I guess. We have an ultrasound on January 2nd and then if everything looks good I will trigger (hcg injection) that day and then have an IUI(Interuterine Insemination) on January 3rd. I am very hopeful that this will work. I have however talked to my family and we will be trying once more after this and if pregnancy doesnt occur we are going to take a break until our kids are out of school. Which is 2 more years. I just can no longer justify putting my kids through what they are going through and putting myself through this too. It is hurting all of us more and more. So send me baby dust that this month is our month!!!



Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~Albert Einstein

First IUI of 2009

Well AF showed up yesterday full force. I talked to my regular doctor about maybe trying a clomid and IUI cycle with her to save me money and until maybe I could find a new RE. Although I am very happy with the RE that I currently have, everything with them is VERY expensive. So I was hoping to find a more affordable RE. Meanwhile my regular OB/GYN has agreed to do a clomid cycle with me and an IUI. So far I am scheduled to do Clomid on days 3-7 and go in on January 2nd for a sonogram and probably IUI on the 3rd. Please think good thoughts for us!!


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ~Mark Twain

Negative

Well I tested negative and I already feel the effects of AF coming on strong. So I guess this month is a bust. So how do I feel?? I know a lot of people will ask me that question. I feel terrible. When I was a teenager I lost my father in a terrible accident and the grief from that was horrible to overcome, but I could never imagine having to go through those same 7 stages of grief for 3 days of every month for years.

1. Shock and Denial

When my test was negative, even though I say I was expecting it. You're never expecting to be a failure. So first there is Shock and Denial. Even in the back of your mind until that final day that AF arrives.

2. Pain and Guilt

As the Shock and Denial subside they are replaced in the forefront by Pain and Guilt. Did I take enough vitamins this month, did I exercise too much, was I not nice enough, patient enough, giving enough, What did I do to make this happen to me again???? With this comes the suffering of unbelievable pain, you can't hide it or run away from it, but you have to just feel it all the way through your heart, until it feels like you can actually feel it breaking.

3. Anger & Bargaining

Next is Anger. Usually Directed at a God, or sometimes as it is with me the anger is directed at yourself. How could you have been so stupid as to believe this would actually work out for you when nothing else has?? Then comes bargaining, please, I'll be a better mom, donate my time more, bake more, think negatively less. Anything if I can just please get pregnant.

4. "Depression, Reflection and Loneliness

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose and feel intense feelings of emptiness. You basically just ache for your baby and what could have been for you.

5. The upward turn

Then you turn back to your regular life and start getting back into your normal everyday activities, this usually happens at the very beginning of a new cycle.

6. Restructuring your life

This is when you plan for your new cycle and try to figure out what comes next. You think rationally about your life and about problems. This is the time when you tell yourself it will happen for you someday!! Just have faith!!

7. Acceptance & Hope

It is a new cycle and a new chance at a pregnancy. You put aside all those other feelings and focus on the hope for the new cycle.

It took me 2 years to go through the stages of grief when my father died. Now I go through them once a month every month and usually in the time period of 1-3 days. It leaves you emotionally drained. I for one will never let this beat me, no matter how hard it tries. I enjoy the days I have with my kids, adopted or not. I enjoy the rain, I enjoy the sunshine, I enjoy every hug I get from the little girl and little boy I babysit everyday and every I love you. So there infertility. You can beat me down 3 days out of the month, but the rest of that time is MINE!!! I will be happy and my life will be fulfilled, even with you here raining on parade constantly. I prefer it actually so RAIN!!!!!

The best of men That e'er wore earth about Him was a Sufferer, A soft, meek, patient, humble, tranquil spirit; The first true gentleman that ever breathed.~Thomas Dekker

2ww

You can never be completely prepared to what your 2 week wait (2ww) will be like. Will it be filled with hope?? Or will you spend the whole time analyzing every symptom?? Usually about a week into the 2ww I start to try to psych myself out. Preparing myself for the inevitable negative test. Still in the back of your mind there is that little glimmer of hope that it's possible, that pregnancy is POSSIBLE. Then your AF shows up and that hope is gone. The first time I was on Clomid it was this time of year and my 3rd month on clomid. I was very hopeful, and analyzed every symptom. Then on Christmas Day during Christmas dinner AF showed up. It was one of the most horrible experiences, being there surrounded by all your family and feeling yourself coming unglued inside. Opening presents and trying to smile and be happy and just wanting to die on the inside, then having to keep it together on the ride home because you dont want to ruin your kids' Christmas. This year I'm experiencing flashbacks from that year just because I am on Clomid yet again, and my AF is due on the 22nd. Right now I know nothing but I am preparing myself for the worst. I'll let you know what happens on the 22nd. Whether I test or AF shows her ugly face.

See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. ~Pope John XXIII

Ovulation

On Cycle Day 15 and Cycle Day 16, which was Sunday the 7th and Monday the 8th, I got a peak on my CBEFM. Yay!! I felt ovulation pain on Monday night. I'm so glad I finally ovulated because my stomach was getting really really sore and it was becoming hard to walk. Last night my CBEFM was back to a high reading. Proving ovulation. This is the first time I have really ovulated in a really long time. Probably since June or July. So yay for Clomid this time around!! Since my previous doctor Dr. B told me "Clomid never really worked for you anyway." Umm maybe because you never treated my PCOS?? Just a thought!!!


"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

1st Cycle on Clomid 2008

So we started our first cycle on Clomid while I am taking Metformin. The side effects have pretty much been the same as before, nasea all the time, hot flashes, horrible mood swings (sorry james and the rest of my family!), and headaches. I started having pain in my left ovary yesterday, and I had an incredibly full feeling. When I would breathe it would hurt. So I called my RE's office and they told me to go to my regular doctor today and have an ultrasound to make sure I was not overstimulated from the meds. So I had my appointment this morning. Everything looked good and in fact I didnt have any cysts, but I had a follicle on each ovary. The one on the right ovary was 18 and the one on the left was 20. These are the biggest follicles I have ever had on just clomid on cycle day 12. She said it looked like I would ovulate soon. Yay!!! I can not believe that it is actually working for me! So I am tracking ovulation with my clear blue easy fertility monitor (CBEFM). I'm very happy that it is all going so well on just clomid.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe