Thank You

Thanks so much guys for reading my blog and for leaving all of your comments and well wishes. I really started this blog to keep a record of my treatments, but it has become something more to me. It is a way to let everyone know about my appointments without repeating it 50 times, but it is also a way for me emotionally to let it all out. Kind of let go and let God. I know whatever he has planned for me is way better than my small little plans, because he can see the big picture. I trust in him that he will lead me where I need to be. So for right now I am just trusting in him to let things happen the way they will.

I want you to know how much it means to us that you have all taken an interest in our journey. So sit back and hold on. I have a feeling this is going to be one wild ride from here on out.

New Doctor, New Frontier

So today was the day, my appointment with a fertility expert. I was very impressed by her to say the least, she was personable, nice, funny and named one of Texas's Super Doctors, by Texas Monthly Magazine. I liked her instantly. She also was really surprised at the fact that my doctor's before had given me such inadequate and just plain lousy care, dating back to even when I was a teenager. So we laid all of our options out there on the table. Because I achieved pregnancy before using a combination of repronex and clomid, it is highly likely that I could achieve pregnancy again, my odds are better using that combo. The reason I miscarried before had to do with my PCOS being left untreated. She said now with it under control I could very well have a healthy pregnancy. So I have to do a list of things before my next cycle, which she says should happen in 2 to 3 weeks judging from my ultrasound today.

* I have to get a fasting blood glucose test.
* I have to get a cystic fibrosis test.
* James has to do a semen analysis and a thyroid test.
* I have to fill my prescription for clomid.

So my next cycle is going to be a hybrid cycle with a trigger shot and regular intercourse instead of IUI. She thinks that I really don't need the IUI. So my only concern now is coming up with the $$ to pay for the treatments and drugs. It costs roughly $3000/per cycle. It will be a lot easier for me if I can do my blood work and ultrasounds here and it is looking like it will work out that way for me.

On my ultrasound I had 4 good follicles, they were very small, she said I looked like a patient who had just had their period. The cyst was gone. I had some bleeding on Sunday, which was probably from the cyst rupture. I also have a very large cyst on my right Fallopian tube that she is going to look into. It should not hinder me from getting pregnant, but it does put out a little bit of concern. All in All it was very productive. She didn't push me into anything I didn't want to do and I really felt like I should do the injectables instead of just the Clomid only because my odds were better.

Optimism is the foundation of courage. ~Nicholas Murray Butler

Ovulation

So last night as Tina and I were getting ready to make a quick trip to Target I realized I was ovulating. I have really bad ovulation pains when I do. I was so happy because I was on day 13 of my cycle. I ovulated on Day 13 for 4 out of the last 7 months. The only times I didnt, was one month when I ovulated on day 11, my first month on femara, one month on day 9, my 3nd month on femara and my 4th month on femara when I didnt ovulate at all. I really think that my doctor was in too much of a hurry to give me the fertility drugs. I started them 2 weeks after starting the Metformin. She never really gave me a chance to ovulate consistantly on my own. So this month off the meds I am so glad that I ovulated on my own and on day 13!!!!! This is really really good news!!! Update on this!!! It was a cyst rupturing so I have not ovualted yet!!!


Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it. ~Jacques Prévert

RE

I have finally decided on a new doctor and made my initial appointment. I found a doctor on my insurance who was recommended by a friend of a friend. The practice deals with about 50% of it's patients having PCOS. I am very excited. She was named one of the best doctors in Texas. So I am hopeful that I won't get the same treatment I've gotten in the past. My appointment is October 27th, Tina's Birthday, at 9a.m. I picked that day because it's James's day off anyway, and he has to go with me. It is in the Woodlands, so not too far away!

On top of being excited I am also kind of nervous. I really dont know what to think about everything, I feel terribly overwhelmed. I also talked to a friend today about accupuncture. I have been wanting to do it for a really long time, so I may go ahead and start doing it also.

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. ~Charles M. Schulz

My body is a Wonderland

Today I had my appointment with Dr. J at 10:45 to do my work up. The first thing she wanted to do was an ultrasound to see about cysts. I had one 33mm cyst on my left ovary and no sign of the small pcos cysts at all. The 33mm one was pretty big though and was already starting to reabsorb, meaning it was larger than that before. Hence the pain I've been in. I am on day 3 of my cycle right now. I won't be doing any meds this cycle, I am taking the time off to find a RE and to also give the cyst time to go away. Dr. J said that I can do all my labs and ultrasounds there in their office so I won't have to commute to Houston on such a regular basis. Which would be a huge help to us. So right now I am just going over my list of names for the doctors that are covered by my insurance. Tomorrow I am going to call my insurance and nail down exactly what they cover and then I am going to call Resolve and get an idea of all the doctors on my list, I also am going to check on the doctor that Dr. J mentioned and see if they are an in-network provider for us or not. The one she wanted me to see was in the Woodlands which is a little closer than driving all the way into downtown Houston. So that's about it for now. I will update this more when I know more about what I have decided on and about what our coverage is.

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. ~Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland

Just Relax!!!

I thought I would take the time to write a blog and address the issue of Stress and Infertility, because one of the most common things I have heard in our years of TTC is "Relax, you're trying to hard." Really?? Trying too hard?? How exactly do you try too hard?? Is taking ovulation inducing drugs, trying too hard, when you don't ovulate?? Or is IUI trying to hard?? Or what about the 3 years before you seek medical help that you have unprotected sex and never get pregnant, were you trying to hard even then, before you were even trying?? I wonder about that. I know that people mean well but telling someone to relax doesn't really make them want to relax, It makes you upset because they can never understand your struggle and because you already feel inadequate and it justifies your feelings even more that something is wrong with you. Or how about the ones that do understand your struggle and they still say that?? Are others getting pregnant because they are relaxing or is it really just the law of averages?? Everything averages out in the end. If you never get pregnant will it always be because you tried too hard?? I never really thought you could try too hard for anything, for love, for family, for friends or for faith. Is there something to this Relax and it will happen, build it and they will come??

Discovery Health says:

Can stress cause infertility?
In rare cases, extreme stress can interfere with normal ovulation in women and may reduce sperm production in men. However, while it's possible for stress to cause infertility, it's far more common for infertility to cause stress. According to the ASRM, "infertility can be a major crisis because the important life goal of parenthood is threatened." For couples who aren't immediately successful in their efforts to conceive, stress-reduction techniques can help keep this anxiety in check.

I have tons more quotes from articles from places like the APA and other organizations, but who I am kidding no one wants to read a bunch of quotes from medical journals and websites. Not to mention the amount of false information on the Internet today that can debunk any real credible sources I come up with. So here we are back where we started. I think the main important thing to say is I know you're well meaning and I know you may not understand where I have been or where I am going. I honestly thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts for us. If you feel that need to contact me and let me know how you feel Please do!! I love to hear from people and know that they are reading my blog. The main reason I started this is because when I first started TTC there was not much information on the computer from real people that had been through it. I want to have a record of every procedure and everything I went through, for all those other people struggling, how ever our struggle may end.

I would like to add some things you should never say to someone who is TTC, you may not realize it but your well meaning comments can cause a lot of pain for someone who feels worthless or like they can't do something that they want more than anything.

1. Do not tell them they are young and have a lot of child bearing years left, so they shouldn't worry about it.
2. Do not tell them that they should just wait and enjoy the childless time they have.
3. Do not tell them to relax or to take a vacation and then it will happen.
4. Do not tell them that if it's meant to be, it will happen.
5. Don't minimize the Problem.
6. Don't say "There are Worse Things That Could Happen or there are worse things you could be going through."
7. Don't Say that Maybe they aren't meant to be parents.
8. Don't offer Unsolicited Opinions about your feelings on IVF.
9. Don't complain about your pregnancy.
10. Don't treat them like they are ignorant.
11. Don't Push Adoption.

What's the most important thing you can do for your infertile friend??
Support them, let them know you're there for them and love them.

As for me, I am still having pain from cysts and started bleeding today. My doctor is going to see me on Monday, and James is going with me. We are going to decide whether or not to move on to an RE or not. I pretty much have decided we are going to, but it wont be for awhile, since it's not covered by insurance I have to wait until we have a little extra money to afford it. We will be seeing one in Houston which isn't so bad since it's only an hour away. So here we are. So leave me comments let me know what you think, even if you think I'm a ranting crazy person. Which I can admit sometimes I am!! Hormones! What else can I say??


Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things. ~Author Unknown

New Developments

I am on day 15 of my cycle with no sign of impending ovulation. I am however having a lot of pain in my left ovary and a feeling of fullness. My monitor has not even gotten a high yet. Which is not good. Especially since for 5 months I ovulated on days 11-13 like clockwork. So I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday for a full exam and ultrasound. The nurse thinks I possibly could be hyperstimulated by the medication, even though that is rare with the medication I am on it can happen. Meaning I could have a few large cysts, considering my left ovary pain. So I will have my progesterone tested then and we will discuss what is going on. I am also going to discuss with her my next step or moving on to an RE. It will still be awhile before I move on to an RE, just because I need to research the ones that my insurance covers some of. Meaning my insurance doesnt really cover them that much. They will cover my blood work and maybe my ultrasounds. That's about it.

One More Time, For the Cheap Seats

Well a lot of things have changed lately and I guess a lot more things will be changing in the months to come. I haven't typed a new blog in awhile, because honestly I really haven't had much to say. At least must to say that was nice or coherent to anyone. I have just been trying to make sense of it all, everything that has happened and I guess everything that will happen.

Where did it all go wrong?? Is it because my mom was a drug addict and an alcoholic?? Is it because I was so spoiled and always wanted to get my way?? Is it because I didn't wait until I got married to have sex?? Is it because I dont go to church enough or give enough money to charity?? Why does God hate me?? These are the thoughts that rush through your head when you are in the position I am in. The position of wanting something with all your heart and soul that it seems like everyone else has and that you can't seem to attain. Your body has turned against you and doesnt work the way it should or do what it is supposed to. Your heart is breaking. These are the questions that you ask yourself out of desperation. What can I do better?? How can I be a better person?? Maybe I'm not kind enough, compassionate enough or loving enough to be a mom. Then you remember your mom was none of those things and yet she still had you. It doesnt seem fair, but what in life is fair??

Last month my progesterone came back at a very low 6.9. Meaning I may have ovulated but not a good egg. Great! What makes it better is at 8 dpo I got a positive pregnancy test and was elated only to find out the test was wrong. I had to wait an entire 24 hours thinking I was pregnant to have someone call me and say "Oops sorry it's a mistake, maybe next month." My doctor decides for me to do one more month of Femara. I feel like I'm wasting my time. One more month....It's just one more month Courtney. NO it's been 2 years of one more month and one more month. Sometimes it is all I can do to just hold it together for ONE MORE FUCKING MONTH!!!

So this month I am taking Femara again, I have also started the search for an Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Houston. I have an appointment on the 23rd with Dr. J and then I am going to discuss with her my moving on. I am on day 14 of my cycle and I have not ovulated or even shown high on my monitor, this is the same thing that happened last month. So I am thinking this month is going to the same as the last. Disappointing. Sorry I have not sunshine and rainbows to talk about today, I just am really feeling beaten down by all this. Not to mention that I just dont even feel like I know my own body. My joints ache so bad from the Femara it is sometimes hard to walk. I would endure all that for a baby, but for nothing? I dont know how much long I can do this.

You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull