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So even though I wrote down the appointment date and time right after I made it last time, somehow we mixed it up somehow. This is the 3rd time this had happened to me with this new doctor. The first time I caught her making the appointment mistake, the next I caught it when they called to remind me, this time I totally missed it. So I had to reschedule my appointment for another day. May 15th at 11 am. We will see how that goes. I am glad to have the extra time. I am trying really hard to be more healthy. Tina and I are jogging/walking/running every night almost. I am also trying to eat fewer calories. So far I feel better. I think most of the feeling better is from giving up fast food though. Tina and I made a pact and gave up fast food and I really have never felt better. So we will see what the doctor says at my appointment. If I am healthy then I will probably start the Femara this time, if not then I will wait until the end of summer.
Hope, deceiving as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of our lives by an agreeable route. Francois de La Rochefoucauld
The weather is so very pretty. I love spring and all the beautiful flowers. It seems like it was a really long winter. I went this morning and had my blood drawn for my blood tests. I made an appointment for in two weeks hoping my results will be ready and we can talk about them then. So April 24th at 9:45. This time last year I was doing injections and getting ready for my second IUI. I was so hopeful. I think now I am just numb. I had come to terms with never having a baby and the possiblility of having one at this point is terrifying. If you ever have that dream where you can see and hear everything that is going on but you can not move to do anything. Thats how this feels, I feel so much in my heart that it's almost bursting open. I want so badly to have a baby and to be able to give that to my husband but I feel paralyzed. I just can't bring myself to take the pills and go through all that again. I know the sacrafice is worth the end result, but it's the sacraficing that hurts & how much you have to give up of yourself along the way.
I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it. Charles M. Schulz
So, deep breath, I scheduled my blood work for Thursday at 9:30. When we get the results from that we will go from there. James is still gone with work and I miss him tons. We haven't really gotten a chance to talk about the new drugs. I still haven't decided what I want to do, but I guess I will know more after the blood work comes back.
Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. Samuel Butler
I found out in June that I was actually pregnant, but soon after I realized I was I started to miscarry the pregnancy. So that, our 3rd pregnancy ended in miscarriage. It was so devestating and heartbreaking. Something that I wanted for so long just kept slipping right through my fingers and I could never grasp it fully. We decided then to take a break from TTC. That was almost 9 months ago. I had an appointment with a new fertility doctor last week and she wanted to try some new treatments and medications. I just dont know what we are going to do yet. I dont know if I can go through this again. The euphoria of starting a new treatment, the standardization of your most private moments, the appointments, the nervous waiting the 2ww to find out if you are pregnant and the agony of finding out you're not, yet again. It's all just so overwhelming to think about, and to think that you have to chose to go through that is even harder. We really really want a baby more than anything, but to do it at the expense of yourself and your family is a hard decision to make. I wish it would happen naturally like it does for everyone else in the free world. So whether or not to take the new drugs and start the process over again is the question. Do we do it?? or do was just give up?? I guess my heart is just so broken it's hard to see which way to go. I would never want to give up, but one's heart can only take so much before its broken forever. In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't. Blaise Pascal
