One More Time, For the Cheap Seats

Well a lot of things have changed lately and I guess a lot more things will be changing in the months to come. I haven't typed a new blog in awhile, because honestly I really haven't had much to say. At least must to say that was nice or coherent to anyone. I have just been trying to make sense of it all, everything that has happened and I guess everything that will happen.

Where did it all go wrong?? Is it because my mom was a drug addict and an alcoholic?? Is it because I was so spoiled and always wanted to get my way?? Is it because I didn't wait until I got married to have sex?? Is it because I dont go to church enough or give enough money to charity?? Why does God hate me?? These are the thoughts that rush through your head when you are in the position I am in. The position of wanting something with all your heart and soul that it seems like everyone else has and that you can't seem to attain. Your body has turned against you and doesnt work the way it should or do what it is supposed to. Your heart is breaking. These are the questions that you ask yourself out of desperation. What can I do better?? How can I be a better person?? Maybe I'm not kind enough, compassionate enough or loving enough to be a mom. Then you remember your mom was none of those things and yet she still had you. It doesnt seem fair, but what in life is fair??

Last month my progesterone came back at a very low 6.9. Meaning I may have ovulated but not a good egg. Great! What makes it better is at 8 dpo I got a positive pregnancy test and was elated only to find out the test was wrong. I had to wait an entire 24 hours thinking I was pregnant to have someone call me and say "Oops sorry it's a mistake, maybe next month." My doctor decides for me to do one more month of Femara. I feel like I'm wasting my time. One more month....It's just one more month Courtney. NO it's been 2 years of one more month and one more month. Sometimes it is all I can do to just hold it together for ONE MORE FUCKING MONTH!!!

So this month I am taking Femara again, I have also started the search for an Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Houston. I have an appointment on the 23rd with Dr. J and then I am going to discuss with her my moving on. I am on day 14 of my cycle and I have not ovulated or even shown high on my monitor, this is the same thing that happened last month. So I am thinking this month is going to the same as the last. Disappointing. Sorry I have not sunshine and rainbows to talk about today, I just am really feeling beaten down by all this. Not to mention that I just dont even feel like I know my own body. My joints ache so bad from the Femara it is sometimes hard to walk. I would endure all that for a baby, but for nothing? I dont know how much long I can do this.

You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull