Negative

Well I tested negative and I already feel the effects of AF coming on strong. So I guess this month is a bust. So how do I feel?? I know a lot of people will ask me that question. I feel terrible. When I was a teenager I lost my father in a terrible accident and the grief from that was horrible to overcome, but I could never imagine having to go through those same 7 stages of grief for 3 days of every month for years.

1. Shock and Denial

When my test was negative, even though I say I was expecting it. You're never expecting to be a failure. So first there is Shock and Denial. Even in the back of your mind until that final day that AF arrives.

2. Pain and Guilt

As the Shock and Denial subside they are replaced in the forefront by Pain and Guilt. Did I take enough vitamins this month, did I exercise too much, was I not nice enough, patient enough, giving enough, What did I do to make this happen to me again???? With this comes the suffering of unbelievable pain, you can't hide it or run away from it, but you have to just feel it all the way through your heart, until it feels like you can actually feel it breaking.

3. Anger & Bargaining

Next is Anger. Usually Directed at a God, or sometimes as it is with me the anger is directed at yourself. How could you have been so stupid as to believe this would actually work out for you when nothing else has?? Then comes bargaining, please, I'll be a better mom, donate my time more, bake more, think negatively less. Anything if I can just please get pregnant.

4. "Depression, Reflection and Loneliness

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose and feel intense feelings of emptiness. You basically just ache for your baby and what could have been for you.

5. The upward turn

Then you turn back to your regular life and start getting back into your normal everyday activities, this usually happens at the very beginning of a new cycle.

6. Restructuring your life

This is when you plan for your new cycle and try to figure out what comes next. You think rationally about your life and about problems. This is the time when you tell yourself it will happen for you someday!! Just have faith!!

7. Acceptance & Hope

It is a new cycle and a new chance at a pregnancy. You put aside all those other feelings and focus on the hope for the new cycle.

It took me 2 years to go through the stages of grief when my father died. Now I go through them once a month every month and usually in the time period of 1-3 days. It leaves you emotionally drained. I for one will never let this beat me, no matter how hard it tries. I enjoy the days I have with my kids, adopted or not. I enjoy the rain, I enjoy the sunshine, I enjoy every hug I get from the little girl and little boy I babysit everyday and every I love you. So there infertility. You can beat me down 3 days out of the month, but the rest of that time is MINE!!! I will be happy and my life will be fulfilled, even with you here raining on parade constantly. I prefer it actually so RAIN!!!!!

The best of men That e'er wore earth about Him was a Sufferer, A soft, meek, patient, humble, tranquil spirit; The first true gentleman that ever breathed.~Thomas Dekker