Bored to Death

As you may have guessed I am bored out of my mind and waiting to start a new cycle, and I thought I would just talk a little to you all about infertility. I really just wanted to write something about what infertility has meant to me and what it has changed about me. Honestly 5 years or even 3 years ago I could not have seen myself in this place and so devestated. 3 years ago I had had one miscarriage and was told that it was normal, miscarriages are a normal part of life. My little girl or boy would have been 6 in August, there is nothing to me that is normal about any of this. I was always told that my irregular periods and pain were a result of weight, even when I was a normal weight, it was all brushed aside. I really didnt know any better, but I should NOT have let them do that to me, and now I know. I should have demanded testing or a 2nd opinion, but it's all too little too late now.

Now I am dealing with years of not getting treatment for a treatable disease that I have. Now I am finally getting back on track with everything, and yet still I struggle with the fact every day that I lost 4 babies. Who were all very real to me. I also struggle with the fact that I may never be a mother and my husband may never be a father. He assures me we will be ok, we will survive. Me, I'm not so sure. What do you do when you can't do the one thing that you want more than anything in life?? I could find something different to want I suppose, but I am genetically programmed to want a baby, to need a baby. Not being able to have that kills me. It kills me to see people that do have that, that do not appreciate it one bit.

Yes we have options, IVF, adoption, surrogacy, but those options cost money. LOTS of money. That we just dont have. So I'm left with this, doing what I can do while I can do it. I just have to be happy with that.

So here is my thought for this week. I dont want people who have kids to be less happy because I dont have them. Just remember that there are millions of other people out there like me, struggling to make it day to day to day. So if I decline to come to a birthday party for your 6 year old, it's not you. Or if I dont show up at your baby shower or to meet your new baby, it's not you. I just am doing what I can to preserve the one shred of emotional stablity I am clinging to. The person I was 5 years ago is NOT the person I am now. Infertility have affected me and invaded my life like a disease, but I will say that I am a better person for it. I am more kind and understanding. I am more patient and tolerant. I've always loved children, but I love them even more now then I did before. Knowing that I may never have my own children makes the time I get to spend with other peoples children that much more precious to me. All in all I know this sounds crazy, but I am glad this happened to me in a way, because I like the person I am now a whole lot better than the person I used to be.

Read about infertility. The more you know! Right!!

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infertility/DS00310


Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. ~Author Unknown