The road to our baby

Well we have been putting away money for IVF, when we really talked about it, we both decided that we really would like to adopt. So we are looking at adopting an infant domestically. I know there is a lot of stiff competition, but we are hopeful. I just really feel that God is leading us in this direction. Before when we were saving for IVF nothing was really going right for us, but now with adoption it seems that tons of doors are opening for us, which makes me feel like it really is the right thing for us. Prayers and any insite is welcome. I know that if we are patient God will bring us to the right baby at the right time. :) Thank you everyone for all your support through everything. We have so much love to give and would be very blessed by anyone who decided to give us their baby to raise as our own. I know that it is a huge sacrafice and one that we won't ever forget.

New

I'm not going to be posting here at all for a while. Thanks guys for being there for us. We have some other things to deal with.

Reality; It's here!!

I haven't posted in awhile but I wanted everyone to know we are still here and still not pregnant of course. As of right now we are taking a break, an indefinite one. After over a year on clomid and other drugs I just want a break. I ovulated normally this month without the drugs and I had a pretty large follicle. I had a lot of pain after ovulation that felt like ovulation pain, but lasted for a few days, I went to the doctor and had a sonogram and everything looked fine. She could not determine the cause for my pain but about 3 days later it was gone. It was very very painful though. I know people keep telling me, maybe you'll take a break and it will happen for you or I know it is meant to happen for you, but the truth is there are thousands of infertile couples who remain childless. Since we can't afford the 21, 000 it would cost to do IVF right now and we cant afford the $50, 000 it costs to adopt an infant. We are stuck. I am absolutely devestated that it has not worked out the way I wanted it to and heartbroken, but I know I will get over most of that as time goes by. We still are going to try to save money to do IVF, but that is really probably 5 years away. i know everyone means well by saying it will happen for us, but realistically I just can't hold out for that. We can't constatly live our lives wondering "what if". There is a difference in keeping a positive attitude and setting yourself up for disappointment. I am done doing that. I seriously and honestly want children of our own biologically more than anything, but not at the expense of the children we already have or at the expense of our marriage & I am not going to live in a cardboard box to achieve my dreams. So that is what's going on with us. I'm sorry if this sounds really pessimestic, I waited a long time to write it because I didnt want it to come off that way. We just all need to be realistic now.

Look Ahead

Just wanted to update that AF came today. So no pregnancy. We were wanting to do another IUI, but I think we may wait to do it with the RE and save up a little first. I am of course upset, but I am handling it a lot better. So 2 more IUI's after this and then we stop. I know for sure I am going to take this cycle off and rest, I deserve it!! Thank you all so much for your thoughts and wishes for us, it means the world. We love all of you. I have never felt as much love as I did this cycle and that means a lot. So for now I am just taking it one day at a time. I am using the weekend to breakdown and by Monday there can be no more tears and I have to look ahead. I hope everyone has a wonderful week!!

I never knew

The are so many things I never knew about TTC before we were actively trying. I actually thought that once we decided to get pregnant that it would just happen within a few months and I had NO idea that it would take YEARS.

- I never knew that getting pregnant wasn't our decision, it is God's decision.
- I never knew that you only had about a 12 hour window every month to get pregnant.
- I never knew that it takes about 5,000 things going RIGHT for conception to happen.
- I never knew that I would miss babies I never even had.
- I never knew that I would be so jealous of women I didn't even know who got pregnant.
- I never noticed there were so many unfit mothers out there.
- I never knew that the look on my husband's face every month when my AF comes, would break my heart completely and scar my soul.
- I never knew I had PCOS, or that I was overweight for a REASON.
- I never knew that I would buy things for a baby I didnt even have or that I would give all those things away after my 4th miscarriage.
- I never knew that when I see that first little bit of AF every month that I would break down, again and again.
- I never knew that a babies face would be so beautiful to me.
- I never knew that when a pregnant friend who I love wanted me to feel their baby kick I would be frozen in HORROR.
- I never knew that so many people would see my vagina to the point that I really wouldnt care anymore or have time to be embarrassed.
- I never knew that my married sex life would turn into something that is timed and dated and that I have to talk to my doctor about every detail of it.
- I never knew that I would have to get up every morning at 7 a.m. just to take my temperature.
- I never knew that I would examine every sign and wonder if it was a sign of pregnancy.
- I never knew how bad I would feel for not being able to do something that it feels like everyone in the world can do but me.
- I never knew I would meet such great women along the way who have shown me what true friendship is, some who I've never met in person.
- I never knew I would cry and feel so overwhelmed for someone else's BFP!
- I never knew I would have to give myself shots, that hurt.
- I never knew the monster that fertility meds would turn me into.
- I never knew anything about cervix's, uterus's, fallopian tubes, follicles, or artificial insemination.
- I never knew that I would skip out on people's baby showers and birthday's because it is too painful.
- I never knew that we would become that "infertile" couple that people whisper about and say "They cant have kids."
- I never knew that having a baby could cost so much $$$$$$$$.
- I never knew that "just relaxing" is all I would need to get pregnant. (sarcastic)
- I never knew the totally different person I would become because of infertility, or that I would like this person so much more.
- I never knew that all of this would bring me so much closer to the Lord and so much stronger in my faith.

I know that no matter how much I WANT something out of life God is only going to give me what I NEED. When I first started writing this blog there were not many resources out there on the internet or beyond for people like me to turn to. I was lucky to find one small group of women on a babycenter board and a best friend in real life who knew the pain of infertility. I started writing this for myself to let me express my feelings but to also let other people know they are not alone. Whatever the crisis is in your life, I hope we can all find comfort in God, in our Family and in our unbelievable friends.

God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. ~Author Unknown

IUI #1 in 2009

We got to the doctor's office a little bit before 9:30 a.m. for our insemination. The nurse wasnt there yet so I had a chance to use the restroom and collect my thoughts. When we got into the office we were able to watch tv and read for 30 minutes. When the sample was ready, we went back to the room and got ready to have our insemination. I meditated for awhile and thought good thoughts and tried to calm myself. The proceduce took about 5 mins, and was very easy this time. I had some cramping from the sperm entering my uterus without the cervical fluid. I continued to cramp most of the day and layed down for most of it. Today I have spent laying down mostly too. :) I am very happy to be in the 2ww now. I should know something by the Jan. 17th.

Good News!

I had my sonogram this morning and I had one follicle on my right ovary that was 20mm. Yay! She also measured the cyst on my fallopian tube and it had shrunk to 26mm. My lining in my uterus was thick, I'm not sure how thick. I am very nervous about it this go around. I had my hcg shot in the leg. Tomorrow morning at 9:30 a.m. is our insemination. So think good thoughts, send baby dust and good vibes.

IUI Again??

I started Clomid again today. Yay! I guess. We have an ultrasound on January 2nd and then if everything looks good I will trigger (hcg injection) that day and then have an IUI(Interuterine Insemination) on January 3rd. I am very hopeful that this will work. I have however talked to my family and we will be trying once more after this and if pregnancy doesnt occur we are going to take a break until our kids are out of school. Which is 2 more years. I just can no longer justify putting my kids through what they are going through and putting myself through this too. It is hurting all of us more and more. So send me baby dust that this month is our month!!!



Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. ~Albert Einstein

First IUI of 2009

Well AF showed up yesterday full force. I talked to my regular doctor about maybe trying a clomid and IUI cycle with her to save me money and until maybe I could find a new RE. Although I am very happy with the RE that I currently have, everything with them is VERY expensive. So I was hoping to find a more affordable RE. Meanwhile my regular OB/GYN has agreed to do a clomid cycle with me and an IUI. So far I am scheduled to do Clomid on days 3-7 and go in on January 2nd for a sonogram and probably IUI on the 3rd. Please think good thoughts for us!!


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. ~Mark Twain

Negative

Well I tested negative and I already feel the effects of AF coming on strong. So I guess this month is a bust. So how do I feel?? I know a lot of people will ask me that question. I feel terrible. When I was a teenager I lost my father in a terrible accident and the grief from that was horrible to overcome, but I could never imagine having to go through those same 7 stages of grief for 3 days of every month for years.

1. Shock and Denial

When my test was negative, even though I say I was expecting it. You're never expecting to be a failure. So first there is Shock and Denial. Even in the back of your mind until that final day that AF arrives.

2. Pain and Guilt

As the Shock and Denial subside they are replaced in the forefront by Pain and Guilt. Did I take enough vitamins this month, did I exercise too much, was I not nice enough, patient enough, giving enough, What did I do to make this happen to me again???? With this comes the suffering of unbelievable pain, you can't hide it or run away from it, but you have to just feel it all the way through your heart, until it feels like you can actually feel it breaking.

3. Anger & Bargaining

Next is Anger. Usually Directed at a God, or sometimes as it is with me the anger is directed at yourself. How could you have been so stupid as to believe this would actually work out for you when nothing else has?? Then comes bargaining, please, I'll be a better mom, donate my time more, bake more, think negatively less. Anything if I can just please get pregnant.

4. "Depression, Reflection and Loneliness

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose and feel intense feelings of emptiness. You basically just ache for your baby and what could have been for you.

5. The upward turn

Then you turn back to your regular life and start getting back into your normal everyday activities, this usually happens at the very beginning of a new cycle.

6. Restructuring your life

This is when you plan for your new cycle and try to figure out what comes next. You think rationally about your life and about problems. This is the time when you tell yourself it will happen for you someday!! Just have faith!!

7. Acceptance & Hope

It is a new cycle and a new chance at a pregnancy. You put aside all those other feelings and focus on the hope for the new cycle.

It took me 2 years to go through the stages of grief when my father died. Now I go through them once a month every month and usually in the time period of 1-3 days. It leaves you emotionally drained. I for one will never let this beat me, no matter how hard it tries. I enjoy the days I have with my kids, adopted or not. I enjoy the rain, I enjoy the sunshine, I enjoy every hug I get from the little girl and little boy I babysit everyday and every I love you. So there infertility. You can beat me down 3 days out of the month, but the rest of that time is MINE!!! I will be happy and my life will be fulfilled, even with you here raining on parade constantly. I prefer it actually so RAIN!!!!!

The best of men That e'er wore earth about Him was a Sufferer, A soft, meek, patient, humble, tranquil spirit; The first true gentleman that ever breathed.~Thomas Dekker

2ww

You can never be completely prepared to what your 2 week wait (2ww) will be like. Will it be filled with hope?? Or will you spend the whole time analyzing every symptom?? Usually about a week into the 2ww I start to try to psych myself out. Preparing myself for the inevitable negative test. Still in the back of your mind there is that little glimmer of hope that it's possible, that pregnancy is POSSIBLE. Then your AF shows up and that hope is gone. The first time I was on Clomid it was this time of year and my 3rd month on clomid. I was very hopeful, and analyzed every symptom. Then on Christmas Day during Christmas dinner AF showed up. It was one of the most horrible experiences, being there surrounded by all your family and feeling yourself coming unglued inside. Opening presents and trying to smile and be happy and just wanting to die on the inside, then having to keep it together on the ride home because you dont want to ruin your kids' Christmas. This year I'm experiencing flashbacks from that year just because I am on Clomid yet again, and my AF is due on the 22nd. Right now I know nothing but I am preparing myself for the worst. I'll let you know what happens on the 22nd. Whether I test or AF shows her ugly face.

See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little. ~Pope John XXIII

Ovulation

On Cycle Day 15 and Cycle Day 16, which was Sunday the 7th and Monday the 8th, I got a peak on my CBEFM. Yay!! I felt ovulation pain on Monday night. I'm so glad I finally ovulated because my stomach was getting really really sore and it was becoming hard to walk. Last night my CBEFM was back to a high reading. Proving ovulation. This is the first time I have really ovulated in a really long time. Probably since June or July. So yay for Clomid this time around!! Since my previous doctor Dr. B told me "Clomid never really worked for you anyway." Umm maybe because you never treated my PCOS?? Just a thought!!!


"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

1st Cycle on Clomid 2008

So we started our first cycle on Clomid while I am taking Metformin. The side effects have pretty much been the same as before, nasea all the time, hot flashes, horrible mood swings (sorry james and the rest of my family!), and headaches. I started having pain in my left ovary yesterday, and I had an incredibly full feeling. When I would breathe it would hurt. So I called my RE's office and they told me to go to my regular doctor today and have an ultrasound to make sure I was not overstimulated from the meds. So I had my appointment this morning. Everything looked good and in fact I didnt have any cysts, but I had a follicle on each ovary. The one on the right ovary was 18 and the one on the left was 20. These are the biggest follicles I have ever had on just clomid on cycle day 12. She said it looked like I would ovulate soon. Yay!!! I can not believe that it is actually working for me! So I am tracking ovulation with my clear blue easy fertility monitor (CBEFM). I'm very happy that it is all going so well on just clomid.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Do You Believe in Magic?

I had a psychic reading done by a "baby" psychic who I heard about on a message board I belong too called soulcysters. I have been waiting for her to get back to me for a couple weeks and finally she did my reading. I wanted to share it here. Maybe it will be true, maybe it won't, but it was a really interesting and fun thing to do. Check out her blog at http://www.iamcheri22.blogspot.com/

Here is her reading to me:

Thanks for being patient with me while I got back to your reading. Now in regards to your losses, I would ask if you have had a blood test and found out if your "nutrients" levels are low? I have no idea what that means, but its showing me that something is "low" when it comes to a blood test that they need to work on so that you can carry your pregnancies. Hopefully this is the right interpretation.
They are showing me a GIRL and they relate her to NOVEMBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in
They show someone who is very easy to please, someone who is a good friend to many and just so happy all of the time. Shes very social, and usually invited to a lot of birthday parties. I think that you will find that other kids just find her to be always really happy and just a lot of fun to be around.
I think that your going to find that shes always really tall for her age, shes someone who tends to wear clothes that fit her body and make her feel comfortable. They show her loving blue jeans, and shirts that are just a bit longer. Shes not one for long sleeves and will always prefer to wear ones that are more like tank tops or something with shorter sleeves. When longer ones, she will actually push them up a bit. Shes someone who does not like things that are tight around her wrist.
I think that you are going to find shes someone with a good level of confidence, someone who believes that she can. Shes always wanting to help where she can. If you have something for her to do, shes there. During her summer breaks they show her doing more of an "office' type job for a family member. So a company that they own or run, and she kinda helps during her vacation for extra cash.
They show her having her hair cut to just past her shoulders. Shes usually just tucking it back behind her ear. I see a heart shaped type face, and really pretty eyes.. more light in color.
When it comes to your daughter, they show her as someone who is very likable, someone who is the type to take charge of a situation, shes not easily distracted and seems to love stuffed animals. I see her loving makeup and really seems to love lipstick and lip gloss. shes always really girly and loves to carry around a purse
When it comes to career paths, they show her working in an office type setting
when ti comes to marriage i see her closer to 21, they will have two girls of their own.
let me know if you have any questions
Thanks
Cheri

I am sure you all have some thoughts!! But this is something I just wanted to share with you, not as a serious, "I know its going to happen" thing, but just as an interesting thing. Thanks guys.

So after talking to Cheri a little bit more we have concluded, which was my suspicion anyway, that the girl she is talking about is Tina. She described her exactly. So she is working on another reading for me. I will post that when she's done!!

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you. ~Marsha Norman

Abbreviations

A few people have mentioned to me that they are having trouble with my abbreviations. I'm sorry for that! In the beginning I was just writing this blog for myself, so abbreviations and spelling mistakes didn't really matter to me, but I have since developed a small following. Since most of you haven't been down the TTC (trying to conceive) road that I have you have not learned all the abbreviations and lingo. So I will try from now on to explain myself in better detail. I also am going to give you a couple of websites to help explain if I forget or even explain older posts, since I am not going to go back and correct them all. :) We are so happy to have you guys join us in this journey, where ever it may lead. My cystic fibrosis screening came back negative!

http://www.babysnark.com/glossary/glossary.asp

http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about50471.html

She's Here!!!

Dr. R. was right on the money I guess my af came today!!! Which means I start my clomid on Tuesday!! Yay!! I'm so excited. Just wanted to let all of you know that have been patiently awaiting my announcing it. It's weird to announce to people that your period is here. lol This whole TTC thing has really changed my life!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

So I am now on day 42 of my cycle with no AF in sight yet. I went in on Tuesday morning for all my blood work. Angela, Dr. R's nurse, called me back today with the results. I do NOT have diabetes, I am resistant to rubella, I am blood type A+, and my fasting glucose was 89. Which is all wonderful news!! My glucose could be a little lower so I am going to have to work on that and make sure I am sticking to a low GI diet. I am thrilled. I also am NOT pregnant, my progesterone was 12 meaning I did ovulate this cycle. So no Provera for me. I am just having to wait it out. They cysts probably made my cycle a little longer than it should be. Hopefully I will start sometime next week or so. The doctor is reviewing my results right now and if she has any recommendations she will call me with those too and I will update with them. All in all I am very happy for what I found out! So I am taking the wait and see approach to this. I also have a cystic fibrosis screening which she said she will call me about in a couple weeks and I have some tests to have run on days 2 or 3 of my cycle. When I have a cycle. According to Dr. R I should start by Monday. All in all very very optimistic about this. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and eats lots and lots of turkey!!!

To the lamp of love: may it burn brightest in the darkest hours and never flicker in the winds of trial. ~Author Unknown

Wishing, and Hoping

I am still waiting on my af to come. I filled my clomid prescription today and I called my RE to see if she would order provera for me. I am so impatient. I want it now!!!! I really just want to move on with everything. I really haven't been doing anything, but I now officially have lost 59 pounds!!! So proud of myself. I will post a before and after shot so you can see. I am much happier this time around then I was before. I have strep throat right now and it's killing me!! That's about all thats going on for me!

Before

After


Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it. ~Confucius

Bored to Death

As you may have guessed I am bored out of my mind and waiting to start a new cycle, and I thought I would just talk a little to you all about infertility. I really just wanted to write something about what infertility has meant to me and what it has changed about me. Honestly 5 years or even 3 years ago I could not have seen myself in this place and so devestated. 3 years ago I had had one miscarriage and was told that it was normal, miscarriages are a normal part of life. My little girl or boy would have been 6 in August, there is nothing to me that is normal about any of this. I was always told that my irregular periods and pain were a result of weight, even when I was a normal weight, it was all brushed aside. I really didnt know any better, but I should NOT have let them do that to me, and now I know. I should have demanded testing or a 2nd opinion, but it's all too little too late now.

Now I am dealing with years of not getting treatment for a treatable disease that I have. Now I am finally getting back on track with everything, and yet still I struggle with the fact every day that I lost 4 babies. Who were all very real to me. I also struggle with the fact that I may never be a mother and my husband may never be a father. He assures me we will be ok, we will survive. Me, I'm not so sure. What do you do when you can't do the one thing that you want more than anything in life?? I could find something different to want I suppose, but I am genetically programmed to want a baby, to need a baby. Not being able to have that kills me. It kills me to see people that do have that, that do not appreciate it one bit.

Yes we have options, IVF, adoption, surrogacy, but those options cost money. LOTS of money. That we just dont have. So I'm left with this, doing what I can do while I can do it. I just have to be happy with that.

So here is my thought for this week. I dont want people who have kids to be less happy because I dont have them. Just remember that there are millions of other people out there like me, struggling to make it day to day to day. So if I decline to come to a birthday party for your 6 year old, it's not you. Or if I dont show up at your baby shower or to meet your new baby, it's not you. I just am doing what I can to preserve the one shred of emotional stablity I am clinging to. The person I was 5 years ago is NOT the person I am now. Infertility have affected me and invaded my life like a disease, but I will say that I am a better person for it. I am more kind and understanding. I am more patient and tolerant. I've always loved children, but I love them even more now then I did before. Knowing that I may never have my own children makes the time I get to spend with other peoples children that much more precious to me. All in all I know this sounds crazy, but I am glad this happened to me in a way, because I like the person I am now a whole lot better than the person I used to be.

Read about infertility. The more you know! Right!!

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infertility/DS00310


Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll. ~Author Unknown

Clomid Again!

We are waiting to move on with our treatments now. We have not really made any decisions as of yet. I am planning to do just a couple of clomid cycles before we do the hybrid cycle because I need to get a lot of blood work and stuff done. We also need to figure out how we are going to finance all of it. We have to have a lot of visits and they are almost $300 a visit, plus the $1700 for the drugs. So while we figure it out I am just going to be taking clomid. I am on day 22 of my cycle now, but my RE doesnt think I will start a new cycle for at least another week. So we will see how everything progresses. Just thought I would update a little bit. I am so not looking forward to what clomid does to me, so I am sorry in advance for being emotional or just plain in a bad mood a lot of the time, because that's what clomid did for me before.