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Well a lot of things have changed lately and I guess a lot more things will be changing in the months to come. I haven't typed a new blog in awhile, because honestly I really haven't had much to say. At least must to say that was nice or coherent to anyone. I have just been trying to make sense of it all, everything that has happened and I guess everything that will happen.
Where did it all go wrong?? Is it because my mom was a drug addict and an alcoholic?? Is it because I was so spoiled and always wanted to get my way?? Is it because I didn't wait until I got married to have sex?? Is it because I dont go to church enough or give enough money to charity?? Why does God hate me?? These are the thoughts that rush through your head when you are in the position I am in. The position of wanting something with all your heart and soul that it seems like everyone else has and that you can't seem to attain. Your body has turned against you and doesnt work the way it should or do what it is supposed to. Your heart is breaking. These are the questions that you ask yourself out of desperation. What can I do better?? How can I be a better person?? Maybe I'm not kind enough, compassionate enough or loving enough to be a mom. Then you remember your mom was none of those things and yet she still had you. It doesnt seem fair, but what in life is fair??
Last month my progesterone came back at a very low 6.9. Meaning I may have ovulated but not a good egg. Great! What makes it better is at 8 dpo I got a positive pregnancy test and was elated only to find out the test was wrong. I had to wait an entire 24 hours thinking I was pregnant to have someone call me and say "Oops sorry it's a mistake, maybe next month." My doctor decides for me to do one more month of Femara. I feel like I'm wasting my time. One more month....It's just one more month Courtney. NO it's been 2 years of one more month and one more month. Sometimes it is all I can do to just hold it together for ONE MORE FUCKING MONTH!!!
So this month I am taking Femara again, I have also started the search for an Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in Houston. I have an appointment on the 23rd with Dr. J and then I am going to discuss with her my moving on. I am on day 14 of my cycle and I have not ovulated or even shown high on my monitor, this is the same thing that happened last month. So I am thinking this month is going to the same as the last. Disappointing. Sorry I have not sunshine and rainbows to talk about today, I just am really feeling beaten down by all this. Not to mention that I just dont even feel like I know my own body. My joints ache so bad from the Femara it is sometimes hard to walk. I would endure all that for a baby, but for nothing? I dont know how much long I can do this.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Well my three months on Femara is up this month. I am on day 23 of my cycle and I have no idea when I ovluated or if I'm pregnant, but I doubt it. I didn't know that I would feel this way when my three months were up. I thought I would be excited to move on to something else, but I find that I am even more paralyzed than ever. I honestly just want to stop TTC. I have no support, I feel like everyone is abandoning me because they are tired of hearing about it. Which I totally understand. I feel bad that I can't give people especially James that happy ending that they want. To tie my story up in a neat little bow. I can't do it physically or mentally. I am just done with all of it. At the end of the month when I have to decide to do IUI or not, I honestly dont know what I will decide. I feel like such a failure at the one thing in life I really wanted to be good at. And I also feel like I shouldn't feel bad about it. Well I do feel bad about it, Terrible. I feel this aching pain that I never knew existed. I want so much for someone to make this all alright for me, but I know I have to make it alright for myself. Right now I just dont think I can. So I'm mad as hell and hurt and broken and that's how I want to be today. Maybe not forever, but Let me have today please. To ache for the baby I'll never have, and the life that is going to be so drastically different than the one in my dreams.
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. ~Mick Jagger
This is my second month on Femara and I had my day 21 progesterone yesterday. It was 17.88 again, weird. So for two months in a row I have definatly ovulated and it's been the same number. How weird is that?? Yesterday morning I had a nose bleed, but the nurse says my nose was just dry and its not a side effect of any medication. I am super excited about that fact. My progesterone being the same doesnt really indicate pregnancy so one more month on Femara and then maybe on to IUI. If we can afford it. Fingers crossed!
Well AF is here today! So I start over at day 1. Dont know how I feel about it right now. I'll let you know.
I had a day 21 progesterone test and my number was 17.88. Meaning I did ovulate. Not really high enough to indicate pregnancy, but progesterone is inconclusive in determining pregnancy. I am very excited about the posibilities. I am on day 28 of my cycle today. Meaning af should be here in a few days. So we'll know what is happening then!!
A wise person once said, "It will all work out in the end, if it's not worked out it's not the end."
So I totally flipped out last night over a laundry basket. Femara has not been as bad as Clomid but I definatly notice it. The whole time I was thinking "what the hell is wrong with me???" I'm sure my friends and family notice and wonder the same damn thing. I'm going to do a blood test today and see about my ovulation! Wish me luck.
Dreams do come true, sometimes nightmares do too.
Well I am on day 22 of my cycle and no sign of ovulation yet?? I took the Femara this month. I'm really confused so I think I will call my doctor tomorrow and see what could be up. I feel really moody from the Femara, but nothing like I was with clomid. The only thing I can think is that maybe I missed my ovulation?? Like it happened before day 10, which is the day I start to check. It's the first day my monitor will let me test. I still did an Answer ovulation stick on day 9 to be sure. I have seen no surge. Nada. I hope I didnt miss my window. I have had a kidney stone this past weekend and I had a bladder infection from it, but it seems to have gone away. I dont understand why charting and everything is so hard to do?? I just wish I could get knocked up the old fashion way. Oh well!!!
Frustration, although quite painful at times, is a very positive and essential part of success. Bo Bennett
